I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
