Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
