To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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