well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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