she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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