if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
