Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
this hospital has no fireball
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
