that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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