Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
