Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
