i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
