i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
