i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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