3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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