I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
