I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
