i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
