Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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