I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
