The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
