I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Never joke about your clitoris.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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