i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like a drive thru vagina
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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