So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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