I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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