The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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