i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
