wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
