We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
