Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
