I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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