Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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