I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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