You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
