Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
