I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
