ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
