I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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