Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
