my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
