There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
