Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
