There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
