im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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