just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
