She's JV to your varsity
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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