Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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