Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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