Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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