Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Don't tell me you're on acid again
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
