You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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